Near the edge

Yesterday, I got an email from my real estate agent's assistant telling me that she had spoken with the mortgage guy who told her that he didn't see any problem with my paperwork and that my loan should be underwritten by friday. Hooray! I'm buying a condo! Homeownership at last! Finally, an opportunity to right so many financial mistakes I've made and a great leap forward into my financial future.

But then this afternoon I got a voicemail from the mortgage guy saying that my debt to income ratio was just too great and that he was sorry but there's no way he can approve the loan.

Once again, I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I feel sick. I feel like a complete failure.

Meanwhile, I've already given up my apartment. I don't know if they've found a renter already or not, but I do know that they are raising the rent far beyond what I'm willing to pay for this dump.

What the hell.

No album. No school. No condo. What the hell.

The crushing feeling I have in my chest is not about not being able to afford school or not getting the condo I wanted. It's about my relationship with God. Why do I keep heading off thinking he's totally in something, sure I'm making prayerful and wise decisions, confident in his favor toward me, only to find myself hitting yet another dead end? Am I spiritually deaf? Am I ignorant of his will? Am I delusional? Have I ever heard My Shepherd's voice?

I have to believe that it's my hearing and understanding that suck. If I'm being crushed, it's not because God wants to teach me some cosmic mysterious lesson or just twist my head around. I believe that God does not tease. I believe that if God wants me to know something, he is well capable of making it known to me.

'Disappointment' doesn't touch it...

What. The. Hell.