For some reason, my thoughts have been twirling a lot today around a situation that sort of exploded a few weeks ago. It will be easy for me to put it all in a nutshell and to be very vague about it and not name names, because the reality is that I myself know very little about the situation itself.
A community of people that I love, that I felt very much a part of experienced some kind of crisis. In the midst of said crisis, they circled their wagons and I found myself on the outside of the circle. The knowledge of the details of the crisis itself was within the circle, so I was in the dark as to what exactly had even transpired. Vague enough for you?
The pocket of my heart where I kept that community, having once overflowed with nothing but warm fuzzies and supernatural delights was now stuffed with unanswered questions and a strong sense of alienation.
In a strange way, it was an answer to prayer. I had been seeking God as to whether it might be good for me to move there and join this community full time for a season or two, and I was deeply hoping that his answer would be "Yes." The way things have unfolded, I don't think I could enjoy so much as having lunch there anymore, let alone living and working there.
I had really hoped that I might at some point be filled in a little. These are, after all, people I love and care about. But after a few weeks of silence from the involved parties, I'm losing interest. And the truth is, I'm not entitled to answered questions. I don't deserve to know what kind of crisis puts a gag order on a whole community. And I don't need to understand a community that submits to such a gag order.
Yeah, it burns a little to feel like you belong somewhere and are welcome there and then find out that you are actually considered an outsider. It burns. But it's a glorious thing to have your life tidied up a bit. It's a difficult thing to let a fruit-bearing branch be chopped off, but if it makes the rest of the tree stronger, so be it.
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3 comments:
I could write a post on this post. sigh.
I'm so sorry for your latest wound. I guess it's fair to say that at one time or another, we've all been card-carrying members of the "Expose back, insert knife club." Humans can be so disappointing, including me. Just another reason to love Jesus madly.
Lil Bo
Well, it's extra strange because I know that it is not a personal thing. It's just apparently the way this particular community goes about things.
It wasn't so much about me being personally wounded as it was about me seeing for the first time a super weird aspect of this community's culture.
Another ongoing confession I've been making to God is about my general cynicism toward Christianity at large. I confess, I ask for help, and then I come face to face with more Churchianity programs and procedures and legislation that have less to do with following God and more to do with exercising control over the flock.
I used to get annoyed when I would meet people who claim to love Jesus but would slam the Church. As years have gone by, I understand them a bit more.
I don't wish to slam the Church in any way, nor do I wish to slam this particular expression of the Body of Christ in the world. I just wish I could step back to just being facebook friends with the Church for a while. You know, see pictures, read her status updates, know what she's up to, but not really be involved with her until she's grown up a little more.
In other words, I need to grow up, as I am her just as much as anyone else is.
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